leslock

#盾冬盾# How Steve figures out that he loves Bucky

中文版链接走：https://leslock.lofter.com/post/291e41_1126af23

写了一个英文版是因为觉得有的台词用英文说出来感觉更好。

This story is about how Steve sees the fact that he loves Bucky in a new way.

This story just happend after Captain America: Civil War, but Bucky didn’t get frozen again.

 

It was Natasha who has ever said this to Steve for the very first time, she said,"You love him."

Steve glanced at Natasha for a second, didn't even find this sentence had any extra meaning, like it was just a simple fact. They basically already put this fact in the museum all over. So he just simply answered Natasha with a Yes.

 

Then it was Sam, except he used a question mark. He said to Steve, "You love him, don't you?"

Sam once tried to convince Steve to give up, he believed he is no longer the guy Steve used to know. But Sam gave up first. Steve raised his eyebrows and said to Sam,"You loved Riley.(*Sam's gone comrade-in-arm)"

Sam confirmed,"I loved Riley." Then he said," but you love him."

Steve believed Sam was trying to make a point there, but he wasn't sure what was the point, so he just said,"Yes I do."

Later Steve thought about this carefully in his spare time, yes, while his ass was being kiced by bunch of avengers- his former co-workers, he still got seconds of spare time to think about this.

He DID hurt people, even though it wasn't really him. Something was controlling him and constantly making him hurt people, it's a fact. That something is still controlling him, which makes him extremely dangerous, too dangerous to be recognized as Bucky.

But he can't let them have him. In spite of he's dangerous and potentially harmful, he still can't let them have him. They will do bad things to him, treat him like he's some kind of... horror, but Steve knows there lives Bucky's soul in that damaged body. The past time has curved Bucky's face, left him a pair of eyes belongs to the wounded.

He noticed that just when he knocked his face mask aside, there still lives an old soul in that flesh has endured too much pain too many times.

Long before Nat said"You love him", Steve suddenly realizes a fact that sounds a bit strange in the beginning, but makes perfect sense after he thinks about it.

He is the person Steve loves the most in this current world. He evokes his love in a way nobody ever could.

For him, Steve will fight against the world.

 

They are on the run, taking a short break in a motel.

Bucky is his best friend, a good war mate, loyal companion and something warm like home. When he had nothing, he had Bucky.

He never thought of Bukcy in other ways, cause the way they treated each other was already the most natural way. They didn’t need other things beacuase what they had was already perfection. It was just that simple, pure and child-like.

Steve went to a Pirde Parade one time, not as Captain America, just as Steve. He wrote that down on his little notebook as a part of the new world that he need to figure out. He had to say that time had changed seriously, He still remembered the time he grew up in when people just didn’t talk about this this kind of things.

Steve had an obscure understanding of homosexuality, didn’t find it too wrong or too evil, just didn’t know much or care much about it at all. Nobody talked about it back then, never. Better just hide. So he didn’t really need to think about it, let along having an attitude towards it.

There was a half-naked young man with black hair in the crowd, he looked at Steve with a smile, he asked him,”You alone?”

Steve said yes, meanwhile a girl with pink hair approached them, said to Steve,”you look familiar.”

The girlfriend (If Steve was right) of the pink hair girl said,”You don’t seem to belong, with all your clothes on. Straight?”

“Straight?” Steve asked.

“You like girls,” She kindly explained,”just like I do.”

The girl with pink hair added,”It means you exclusively attracted to girls.”

“Oh, yes. Yes, I suppose.”Steve replied.

Steve liked Peggy, maybe even loved her. He had interests in other girls too, he liked them, didn’t know what’s about them for him to like, maybe it’s just their gesture, hair or fragrance. But he LIKED Peggy, all the way down to her soul, the date-to-be hurt him badly, it left a hole in Steve’s heart, and the hole will always be there.

“Oh,” The girl made a small sound like she occured to something cute, she said to Steve,”It’s okay, you know? You could be whoever you want and love whoever you want.”

 

Steve can feel that Bucky is having trouble sleeping. They stay in the same room, sleep in seperate beds, just for convinience.

“Do you want to watch TV?” Steve asked.

After a time, Bucky answers quitely, so they got up from thier beds.

They start watching late night shows on the orange sofa, there’s blood on the sofa handrill, which doesn’t trigger Steve’s curiousity at all. The scrreen is bright and the two of them are silent, none of these is helping them get to sleep.

“Bad dreams?” Steve asked.

“Sometimes.” Bucky answerd.

Silence comes back agian. It always does. Steve doesn’t know how much Bucky remembers, Bucky would say a couple more words while he’s in a good mood, the other time he’s just like this. Steve has nothing to complain though.

It’s always a pity that Bucky probably won’t be able to remember it all.(Fucking) Hydra.

But Steve feels quite satisfied.

“Mainly is the bed, you know,” Bucky says,”It’s too soft, I just can’t."

 

“Would it be better if we place the sofa cushion on the ground?”Steve suggests, turns his face towards Bucky’s. Steve doesn’t expect he would remember this.

The light from the television screen makes Bucky’s eyes appear brighter, adds a kind of tenderness Steve is familiar with to Bucky’s whole face.

“Maybe.” Bucky says.

 

They finish the job together pretty fast, and Steve goes back to his bed for his quilt.

“Why?” Bucky asks, when Steve returns to the sofa, holding the quilt.

They used to do this, and while the heating system of Brooklyn was just shit, they would sleep as close to the wall and floor as they could, it usaully was surprisingly warmer. Iron Bedstead wasn’t always that good.

“I will sleep next to you, on the floor.” Steve says.

“...Okay.” Bucky says.

So they turn off the TV, but leave a table lamp on without discussion. It just feels right.

Steve thinks of Natasha, and what she said. “You love him.”

Yes, yes, it’s just a simple fact. He’s his buddy from the beginning till the end. He had never given up on him, neither will he. This is just how it works.

Besides, how could he not love him?

 

Steve says something out of nowhere all of a sudden, he says, ”Bucky, you’re a beautiful man.”

How could he not love him. He has one of the most beautiful souls he has ever seen.

Sometimes Steve thinks it’s not that hard to struggle and fight in the lowest dirt, but it’s hard to be in a higher place but willing to step into dirt for others. That’s what Bucky did. He claimed that he saw somthing sparkling in Steve, but steve find it alrealy a wonder that he could see things while no other could.

Bucky unexpectedly laughs. He turns his head and says, ”What, Steve?”

Then Bucky decides to be an asshole. He says to Steve, “You love me , do you?”

Of course I do, I just do. Steve wants to answer him like this, if only bucky didn’t use his dickhead voice.

At least he’s joking. Steve thinks, then he smiles too.

“Punk.”Steve says.

“Jerk.” Bucky says it back.

 

Everthing is all good, Steve thinks.

It’s all good.

 

END